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Henny Youngman Quotes


A British-born comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners," short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire.
(1906 - 1998)

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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
 

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
 

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
[Marriage]
 

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
 

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
 

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
[Religion]
 

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
 

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
[Religion]
 

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
 

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
 

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
 

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
 

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
[Religion]
 

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
 

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
 

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
 

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
 

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
 


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